THAT girl



I really hate that I fall “in like”  so fast (yea, I’m THAT girl) ….I act on emotion and the entire world thinks I’m crazy. However, I know I’m not alone. Somewhere out there, there’s another human who is almost exactly like me.  Perhaps there’s a group of us, fuck if I know.  But I do know this…I am not alone.

Putting my thoughts on paper seems like a good way to dissect my crazy thoughts and perhaps give my own self some self- therapy. 

 

Just to give you a little background …I started dating again.  Anyone who knows me knows I am completely not ready.  I don’t think I’ve ever stayed single for longer than months at a time since I turned 17.  I’m your average co-dependent needy bitch.  Without being an actual bitch.  I’m just a give me all your attention type bitch. Thanks mom…you raised a winner.  

 

I know im not ready either but masturbating twenty million times a day gets pretty old.  You can only watch so many lesbian porn videos and touch yourself in so many places before you have all your sessions memorized in your head to the point you don’t even need to press play or think about what you’re going to do yourself without even thinking about it.  Besides having sex with yourself,  I miss the affection of another man.  (Sorry ladies)  I miss having someone to come home to, to have adult conversations with, someone to laugh with, someone to fart on.  Yea, I said it. What? I say what I want.  Besides all that…. I love being in love and I absolutely love giving my love. I want it so bad.  I just want him in my arms already.  Its finding “him” that’s the problem.  Who is he and where is he hiding?

 

So I signed up on this website.  I write out my witty little profile…tell the truth on most things, stretch the truth on others.  Post up good looking pictures, tell everyone how fat I really am.  Watch dudes check out my profile and never send me messages.  Watch myself get rejected by those whom you send messages to and never reply back (even though their profile says they ‘reply often’).  Watch myself get messages from people who were so fucking fake to the point it almost made me puke.  Then shit gets exciting…and you start get messages from dudes that are pretty bangin and who you might have a connection with.   Those bangin dudes turn into bangin messages and then they turn into bangin TEXT messages and then bangin phone calls and all of a sudden the chemistry  is there and this bangin ass newly cyber relationship turns into a perspective date.  So after numerous text messages and picture transferring and hours on the phone, we meet.  Things go good, like it all planned out in my head.  He’s hot, he seems to like you, you watch movies…listen to him talk about his exciting life stories all the while you’re thinking how fucking hot his face is and what kind of life you both will have IF things work out….then, things get a bit triple x , you cuddle, he kisses your forehead.  Life is good.  Then he goes home and this is where shit starts hitting the fan. 

 

You start thinking and then thinking turns into over-thinking. The overthinking now turns into obsession and now start obsessing about the amount of texts you should have received by now and why isn’t he texting you.  ‘Is he not thinking about me?’  ‘Oh fuck, he hates me’  ‘Goddamn it, I knew we shouldn’t have fucked’  ‘fuck it, life goes on’ THEN, the text rolls in. and shit changes up REAL quick.  ‘Oh, well…maybe he does like me’  ‘I wonder when he’s gonna come over again’  ‘I wonder what he’s thinking’  ‘Does he even want to come over’  ‘Maybe he’s just being nice and letting me down slowly’ .  Dude, trust me…I fucking know. I am so not normal its insane.

 

So about two full days of the complete obsession, going back and forth with the “he likes me he likes me not bullshit” ive had enough.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  So we broke up.  I officially broke up with someone who I wasn’t even in a relationship with.  And that’s how it is every time.  I give myself a thousand reasons why this little “thing” we have going on wont work.  Then the ‘I don’t think we should talk anymore text’ gets sent out. And I feel free again.  My heart is saved and im holding it tight and it sits so comfortable in my warm little chest.  Its like I made a promise to never let anyone hurt my heart ever again and im keeping to it.  But I always wonder what was really going on inside his head and what his thoughts were about ‘us’. 

 

My brain is on speed without the actual methamphetamine. It has its own natural high.  It  runs a mile a minute and two years in advance.  Unfortunately, for me this is what gets me in trouble and pushes me away from relationships.  Until I get this part of me fixed, I will never find him. Because I will continue to push and push and push until its too late. Hopefully soon I can map out my brain like a puzzle, put together all the pieces and have it all figured out.  I call this freedom my friends; one day I will be set free ♥