Rampage....

If I could change brains, I would. In a heart beat.  I even asked the big man upstairs (good ol’ Jesus himself) to switch me over and make me into a man since men don’t really have feelings and can switch their brains off whenever they feel like it, but that didn’t work out so well. As you can see…I’m still here… with a vagina…. in between my legs.  I hate it. Wait, let me clarify. I don’t hate my vagina. I love it actually.  I hate the brain that comes along with having a vagina. So yea, here I am over-thinking as usual.  Typical day for the life of a mad woman.  I bet you want to know what I’m over- thinking about this time huh? Well….  *wink* im not so sure I want to share that just yet.  

(twenty minutes later) Fugg it. Here’s some self-therapy that I’m going to do inside my diary that my therapist said should help, ill dive deep into my over-thinking thoughts…..no filter so consider this your fair warning.

thought #1-  People are assholes. Why are people so fucking stupid? Seriously. Ignorance and stupidity are NOT my best friends. Take driving for example….there’s an idiot jack ass who decides his shit doesn’t stink and takes up all the space in the world.  Both lanes as a matter of fact.  Dude, drive in your own fucking lane and stay out the fuck of mine. You don’t need two WHOLE lanes buddy.  With your dumb blue tooth attached to your dumb ear with your perfectly creased up shirt that your wife (that you have been cheating on for the past six months with your secretary) did for you so cheerfully this morning.  Get the fugg out of here with that bullshit.  Or how about jackass #2…drive the fucking speed limit stupid. Honestly, is it THAT complicated?  It’s like a 40 mile per hour zone…you cut in front of me and drive 20? What. The. Fuck? Fa’ real tho.  On a good day, that might bother me a liiiiiittle bit to where I cuss behind the wheel and nobody knows what I’m saying but myself.  However, catch me on an even better day when the polar bears are out (I refer to myself as a polar bear when I swear I’m acting bi polar) and I’m totally ready for war. Bring it motherfucker.  

Or even just interacting with people inside a grocery store.  Like do you really need to bump into my cart and keep walking like I don’t exist? Um…okay? Dick.  Or that one person that can simply stay in their 15 items or less line with their one dumb item but decides to jump over to my lane because they see I’m the next one to be checked out and can somehow read my mind knowing I’m going to let them pass because my cart is overflowing and that’s just the right thing to do.  Standing there all innocent looking and shit.  Fuck man! Yes, I let them and their stupid gallon of milk go ahead of me!  Ugh. I know they do that shit on purpose!  I swear one of these days I’m not even going to look behind me and just not give a shit for ONE day.  But yea right…problem is I do give a shit and I’m not an asshole so ill continue to let these sneaky bastards keep cutting in front of me.    

Then there’s that lady at the bar.  The lady that should be at home with her husband and grandkids but instead out trying to pick up on dudes that just developed into puberity with v-neck shirts and pants so tight not even their balls can breathe just because their husbands at home pays no attention to them or their saggy tits.   You know what I’m talking about.  Typical Orange County emotionally broken down housewife. Anyway… dumbo decides my foot doesn’t belong on ‘her stool’ and decides to slowly get up and try to pull it away from me.  Um okay…beeeecause you own it right? Ha! Guess again hooker because my foot has every right to be here AND on this stool that you DON’T own so um yea, my foot followed and landed right back where it was initially.  So go fuck yourself.  With your collegian injected lips and your Gucci purse and fake hair.  I hate people. I really do. Dumb fake whore. Speaking of whores….

thought #2- I wish I had a whores body.  When I say whore, I don’t mean a chick whose private parts looks like over chewed roast beef and who sells her ass to big sweaty fat guys on the boulevard.  Whores to me are chicks that are super hot with super nice bodies.  So have I had a whores body I doubt my stupid little heart wouldn’t be so damn fragile.   I know for a damn FACT I wouldn’t give two shits about any Tom, Dick or Harry that could give two shits about me.  Then again…do I really want a whores body? This is where my over-thinking and self therapy comes into play.  I highly doubt I would have the same personality and same heart as I do now.  I would be so caught up in this superficial world only giving a shit about myself that the rest of the world wouldn’t matter.  So you know what, I take that back.  Fuck having a whores body. I want my body….buuuuut, I do want to clean it up a bit.  Not for Tom…not for Dick…and certainly not for Harry.  Just for plain ol’ me.  Maybe then I wouldn’t care so much about the whole dating scene….which brings me to my next dumb thought…. *sigh*

thought#3 boys Once again. are stupid. Or maybe I’m stupid.  Ugh, I’m not stupid. My brain is the one that’s stupid.  I’m not even going to get on this subject too deep because I don’t have the energy.  All I know is my heart is almost sinking to my stomach like an anchor and I would love for someone to reel it back up on this ship where it belongs.  I don’t even know why I care so much but I do. Yes, I know…its lame. But I’m ‘that girl’ remember? And changing from ‘that girl’ to ‘this girl’ is definitely going to take some time.  I just want it to happen already.  I want to be ‘this girl’ that doesn’t think five hundred times about whether or not if this dude likes her or not.  I totally want to be this girl that goes with the flow and is super chill.  Ugh. I need to start smoking weed. Yea right. I wont do that either.  I need a miracle is what I need.

Thought #4 feeling much better My therapist was right. Writing all my thoughts down totally made me feel sooo much better. I went from feeling super tense and wanting to punch someones lights out to calm and very relaxed to the point where I can fall asleep.  My face is no longer hard and rough but instead soft and inviting.   I feel warm again and all it took was forever on the computer and realizing how silly everything is.  I go back and I just laugh at all the dumb shit I just wrote.  I swear I was a comedian in my past life. Don’t be surprised if you see me on tv five years from now with a mic in my hand talking about my crazy life.

Peace out homes. 

Houston....we have a problem..



Nobody ever told me raising a child would be this hard. I’ve gone through almost every stage and it.just.keeps.getting.harder.and.harder. and harder. Kids don’t come with instructions and man how I wish they did.  

Ive gone through what almost every parent goes through: newborn stage, preschool, kindergarten, elementary, broken bones, periods, boys, heartbreak, etc.  Time is ridiculously fast. We don’t realize it but it is.  Before you know it you blink and your baby girl is this person who is developing into a young woman with opinions, bras and going into seventh grade.  How did we end up here?  Seriously. How? Just yesterday she still loved me and would cuddle right next to me and let me hold her for hours.  Today? Not so much.  What changed?  All I know is I miss that. I miss being her entire world just as she is mine.   

My daughter is now twelve and just last night she went snooping around in my phone.  I didn’t find out until this morning when I got a text from a certain somebody asking me what the hell was going on. He explains that he received a text message saying ‘if you ever touch my mom again I will beat the crap out of you’.  Oh boy. Not only am I pissed but im fucking embarrassed and disappointed. And trust me, all these feelings are an understatement. My blood was fuming through the roof and my heart is broken.  Seriously, what is going through this child’s mind to where she thinks doing something like this is okay? I want answers. I want explanations. I want inside her brain to know exactly what she was thinking.  Then it hits me. Its not her, its me.  Yup…and now the  self doubt and second guessing myself as a parent is in full effect. It’s not a good feeling. At all.  It sucks and I wish someone out there had answers for me.  Apparently what I have been doing the last twelve years hasn’t worked and its time we start doing something different. I refuse to let my daughter grow up being an asshole and treating people like shit. That’s not how I want my kids to grow up. Fuck that.  Of course thinking of a new game plan is going to take time, so until then my overthinking brain is on full speed and her ipod as well as her phone is gone, for how long? Who flippin knows....but what I do know Independence and freedom is a privilege and earned;  she has a shit ton of making up to do. As well as some es’plaining.    

If anyone is reading this….please pray to whichever god you believe in so hopefully he, she, or it can give me enough strength…. because we all know this is only the beginning.   

Yours Truly,

Steena



Things are somewhat looking out?

If you’re wondering how I’m feeling today, I’d say things are somewhat looking out. I say somewhat because obviously im not 100% normal and nor do I want to be.  So im content…lets just put it that way.

So…..I’m not going to stop dating. Dating? Yes….dating.   After last weeks ‘freak out’ I realized I cant just put a stop on life. Putting my life on hold is stupid and I refuse to stop living.  If I could rewind last weeks events …and in case you don’t know what happened last week let me break it down to you.  Last week events were as follows:  Christina (which is myself) met a guy whom she cared for and was really into.  Christina (which im still talking about me) flips out because she likes this guy more than she planned and didn’t know how to handle it.  Christina then ‘breaks up’ with this so called guy who she didn’t even have a relationship with and that was that.  Christina flipped out.  Christina was being a total over obsessing chick and yes, Christina knows shes crazy…and yes, I realize im referring to myself as a third party.  Im just a crazy girl living in a small town world. Ha. Journey…Don’t stop believing…no pun intended. ANYWAY…..like I was saying, if I could rewind last weeks events I totally would have handled things differently.  Yes, I realize its too late but you know what…at least I learned from my mistake.  So after much thought, tears and music to soothe my soul, I came to the conclusion that what happened must have happened for a reason and not to dwell on it.  Even though I regret it, I totally learned from my mistake.  I think.  I hope. Ugh, well, we really wont know until the next guy I fall for steps foot in my path.  However, I promised myself to not act on emotion and to play it cool. Cuz the next guy I turn down could be the guy that I have been waiting for my entire life and I wont ever know if I continue to run away.

THAT girl



I really hate that I fall “in like”  so fast (yea, I’m THAT girl) ….I act on emotion and the entire world thinks I’m crazy. However, I know I’m not alone. Somewhere out there, there’s another human who is almost exactly like me.  Perhaps there’s a group of us, fuck if I know.  But I do know this…I am not alone.

Putting my thoughts on paper seems like a good way to dissect my crazy thoughts and perhaps give my own self some self- therapy. 

 

Just to give you a little background …I started dating again.  Anyone who knows me knows I am completely not ready.  I don’t think I’ve ever stayed single for longer than months at a time since I turned 17.  I’m your average co-dependent needy bitch.  Without being an actual bitch.  I’m just a give me all your attention type bitch. Thanks mom…you raised a winner.  

 

I know im not ready either but masturbating twenty million times a day gets pretty old.  You can only watch so many lesbian porn videos and touch yourself in so many places before you have all your sessions memorized in your head to the point you don’t even need to press play or think about what you’re going to do yourself without even thinking about it.  Besides having sex with yourself,  I miss the affection of another man.  (Sorry ladies)  I miss having someone to come home to, to have adult conversations with, someone to laugh with, someone to fart on.  Yea, I said it. What? I say what I want.  Besides all that…. I love being in love and I absolutely love giving my love. I want it so bad.  I just want him in my arms already.  Its finding “him” that’s the problem.  Who is he and where is he hiding?

 

So I signed up on this website.  I write out my witty little profile…tell the truth on most things, stretch the truth on others.  Post up good looking pictures, tell everyone how fat I really am.  Watch dudes check out my profile and never send me messages.  Watch myself get rejected by those whom you send messages to and never reply back (even though their profile says they ‘reply often’).  Watch myself get messages from people who were so fucking fake to the point it almost made me puke.  Then shit gets exciting…and you start get messages from dudes that are pretty bangin and who you might have a connection with.   Those bangin dudes turn into bangin messages and then they turn into bangin TEXT messages and then bangin phone calls and all of a sudden the chemistry  is there and this bangin ass newly cyber relationship turns into a perspective date.  So after numerous text messages and picture transferring and hours on the phone, we meet.  Things go good, like it all planned out in my head.  He’s hot, he seems to like you, you watch movies…listen to him talk about his exciting life stories all the while you’re thinking how fucking hot his face is and what kind of life you both will have IF things work out….then, things get a bit triple x , you cuddle, he kisses your forehead.  Life is good.  Then he goes home and this is where shit starts hitting the fan. 

 

You start thinking and then thinking turns into over-thinking. The overthinking now turns into obsession and now start obsessing about the amount of texts you should have received by now and why isn’t he texting you.  ‘Is he not thinking about me?’  ‘Oh fuck, he hates me’  ‘Goddamn it, I knew we shouldn’t have fucked’  ‘fuck it, life goes on’ THEN, the text rolls in. and shit changes up REAL quick.  ‘Oh, well…maybe he does like me’  ‘I wonder when he’s gonna come over again’  ‘I wonder what he’s thinking’  ‘Does he even want to come over’  ‘Maybe he’s just being nice and letting me down slowly’ .  Dude, trust me…I fucking know. I am so not normal its insane.

 

So about two full days of the complete obsession, going back and forth with the “he likes me he likes me not bullshit” ive had enough.  I couldn’t take it anymore.  So we broke up.  I officially broke up with someone who I wasn’t even in a relationship with.  And that’s how it is every time.  I give myself a thousand reasons why this little “thing” we have going on wont work.  Then the ‘I don’t think we should talk anymore text’ gets sent out. And I feel free again.  My heart is saved and im holding it tight and it sits so comfortable in my warm little chest.  Its like I made a promise to never let anyone hurt my heart ever again and im keeping to it.  But I always wonder what was really going on inside his head and what his thoughts were about ‘us’. 

 

My brain is on speed without the actual methamphetamine. It has its own natural high.  It  runs a mile a minute and two years in advance.  Unfortunately, for me this is what gets me in trouble and pushes me away from relationships.  Until I get this part of me fixed, I will never find him. Because I will continue to push and push and push until its too late. Hopefully soon I can map out my brain like a puzzle, put together all the pieces and have it all figured out.  I call this freedom my friends; one day I will be set free ♥